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Unconditional love? Is there any other?

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Some speak of unconditional love as though it were something superior  that has to be distinguished from a unconditional lovepoor relation called “conditional love”. Few human beings are capable of it, apparently,as it is only something that one’s pet dog can express (seriously, I’ve heard that said).

Visions come to mind of pure souls sitting atop mountains in cross-legged postures with beaming smiles radiating unconditional love for the benefit of the world, pausing from time to time, no doubt, to sip pure water or perhaps some green tea. Some talk about unconditional love with as much dispassion and dryness as a dehydrated tea-leaf. That’s not love, not in my book anyway.

Unconditional love can still have passion

Love needs fire, it needs heat and it needs the fluidity of water and the reality of earth, otherwise it isn’t real. There is no such thing as conditional love because love is pure. If there is love, there is love, full-stop. A pond may have lots of dirt in it but it’s still full of water.

Someone said to me once, “I love everybody, all humanity, unconditionally.” She may well have believed it. Had it been true, she would have been filled with a passion so great that she would not have been able to rest until every last drop of suffering was removed from the world. There are precious few great souls like that. Love is like water. We all love to some degree but none of us is perfect. We are like ponds or rivers – not as pure as a bottle of Evian maybe but supporting life, nonetheless.

Love or attachment?

What can mar the expression of love and is sometimes mistaken for love is attachment. Attachment is when we hold onto something – or someone – because we want to keep it. If it is taken away from us, we are bereft and if we think we might lose it, we may feel threatened or insecure. This can happen with regard to material things, to our health, to our lifestyle – in fact, if you can think of it there can be attachment to it. As a general rule, though, we don’t mistake attachment to those things as love.

With relationships, it is not so easy to distinguish between attachment and love. Do we become attached to people? Of course we do, because we know that when many sorts of relationship end, people feel loss, grieving, anger and so on. But it isn’t love, that gives rise to these difficult, and very human, reactions and emotions.

Suppose, for example, that a young woman – let’s call her Jill – falls in love with Ben. They start a relationship and Ben tells Jill that he loves her very much. They soon decide to live together and at first everything seems to be going well. Then one day, Jill sees Ben flirting with her best friend in a way that suggests to her something might be going on between them. Later Jill challenges Ben; they argue and become angry with each other. That’s a very simplistic outline of a fairly common type of situation but the question is, to quote the title of a famous Tina Turner song, “What’s love got to do with it?”

Love or attraction?

When we start a relationship with someone, it is because there is an attraction. There is something in that other person we are attracted to, something that we like and don’t want to be without. “Isn’t that love?” one might say and the answer is, “No, it isn’t.” Love may arise, and often does, but the desire for the other person is attachment. That isn’t meant to sound mercenary but the truth is, when we start a relationship, or have the desire to start a relationship with someone, it is because we see something in the other person that will help to make us feel more complete. It is a natural thing that we seek things in life to make us feel “whole”, more fulfilled; but that in itself isn’t love. What we are doing is seeking something for ourselves. Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? But it’s true. This is attachment and the result of attachment is that when the object of our attachment is threatened, or rather our relationship with it is threatened, we feel pain.

Love is inherently unconditional and stable

Love, on the other hand, is nothing so volatile or unstable. Love is totally selfless. To love means we don’t seek anything for ourselves; if we love someone, we want them to be happy for their own sake – not because seeing them happy makes us feel better. Most personal relationships will have an element of attachment in them but the important thing is that there must be the selfless aspect also. It has been said that “ideal relationships are based on giving” and we must be able to receive well, too. And love doesn’t just occur in personal relationships; we all develop love for all manner of people, and many for animals and nature. It is possible and natural, for example, to love those we work with or meet with. The point is, love does not involve desire for the other person nor sentimental attachment, or at least if it is there, we should be able to distinguish between desire and attachment on the one hand and “true” love on the other.

The purpose of us spending a little time differentiating between love and attachment is not to condemn attachment but rather to emphasise the difference. We can then guard against strengthening attachment, with the inevitable pain that will someday cause as the object of our attachment changes or is lost, and instead build up the selfless aspect, love, which will reduce pain and bring about lasting happiness.

More on this in chapter 4 of The Great Little Book of Happiness

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Release energy with an amazing technique

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Releasing energy is hugely liberating. Of course, it’s not a brilliant idea just to let off steam willy-nilly because we may unwittingly cause harm to others, if not ourselves. But if we know how to release energy in the most positive way, the results can be amazing.

Open the blinds

When we hold back on generosity, it is evidence of tension. If we are the really stingy type, we are very tight open blinds release energyinside, and not just in the wallet. Our internal energy is cramped and at some time that is likely to be reflected in our physical health. Most of us, though, are not mean but often there is an underlying fear of giving. Perhaps we believe somehow it will lead to our impoverishment or to our being taken advantage of. It’s a bit like keeping the blinds closed all day so that no-one can see in. But the light can’t come in either, nor can we see out.

The opposite is to become self-liberated. The liberated person has learned how to release energy so that it circulates freely.

Here is an incredibly simple technique that can help us to do the same. It is a mental process that begins to reshape the mind.

Release energy with the mind

Say quietly (i.e. mentally) to everyone you meet:

  • “I give you all that I have. I wish you great joy and a happy, long life.”

The exact words are not crucial but the thought must be sincere. Really mean what you say. “I give you all that I have” is a great releasing of any attachment we may have. “I wish you great joy and a happy, long life” is wishing the very best for the other person and by wishing happiness for others we sow very positive seeds indeed for our own and others’ peace of mind and happiness.

  • “I give you all that I have. I wish you great joy and a happy long life.”

Please practise this often and always with sincerity. If you do nothing else from this series of posts, please do this because it really will bring great rewards. If you see someone suffering, use the same or similar words and add:

  • “I wish you release from all your suffering.”

Wishing the opposite for others

So, if a person is sick, wish them health. If they are worried, wish them freedom from worry, and so on. Whatever unhappy state or condition they have, wish them the opposite. We don’t say the words out loud but think them as though we were saying them.

Practise this wonderfully simple but effective technique on others as much as you can, whether you know them or not. The effect on our mind is quite remarkable and we release energy so that it can circulate freely.

And don’t forget yourself in this – we often think we don’t deserve happiness, so imagine practising it to an image of yourself, too. That odd person we see in the bathroom mirror deserves happiness, too, so wish it for them!

More on this in The Great Little Book of Happiness

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Abundance grows from positive seeds

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Abundance is largely a state of mind. It can come simply from appreciation of others and of what we have, appreciating beauty, giving selflessly, being given a lovely smile. These are the sort of things that can give rise to joyful moments in everyday life, and when they occur it is because there is a sufficient degree of positivity in our mental make-up. Positive seeds have been sown and have sprouted.

Positive and negative seeds

To create the experience of joy and happiness more, we need to create more positive seeds than negative ones. Eventually we should aim to sow no negative seeds at all but we are human and it is inevitable that there will be moments when we think, speak and behave less than perfectly. But the more positive seeds we sow, the more abundance we will feel and the weaker the negative ones will become.

So what are these seeds? Each time we are selfless, we create a positive seed and each time we are selfish, we abundance seedscreate a negative one. Sometimes, too, we can neutralise a positive act by feeling unhappy about it. If, for example, we give to a charity out of kindness or compassion, that will give rise to a positive effect. There will be a tickle of joy in the heart. But if we give to avoid being pestered or because we don’t want to feel guilty, or even so that we look better in the eyes of others, that act of giving does not carry the same positive effect. The giving might be the same, outwardly at least, but it is our attitude at the time that determines whether it has a positive, neutral or negative on our mind.

Creating abundance with the mind

It is possible to create an abundant mind. Although joy is more often experienced and understood as a feeling, it is also a mental state. The mind is where we sow seeds or causes that will result in joy. The secret is to make positivity a habit.

There is a lovely story of a businessman approaching the Buddha for advice. The businessman said that he understood much of what the Buddha was teaching about becoming a better human being but felt he was unable to do so because of his own avarice. On his own admission, he was extremely mean and couldn’t let go of anything. The Buddha had the man put something into his left hand and then practise giving it to the right hand. Silly though this might sound to us, it was the first time the man had practised giving in any way at all. That was how it started and, because he was determined to overcome his own miserliness, he gradually expanded the practice until he was able to give small things to members of his family and later became a most generous man indeed.

The technique of giving with the mind is a very powerful one and this following exercise is wonderful for increasing a sense of abundance in us:

A simple visualisation for abundance

  • Sit comfortably and totally relaxed. Create an image in your mind of being very rich. You are a controller of great wealth, of abundance of all sorts.
  • Now visualise passing all that wealth onto others and, at the same time, others still are passing great abundance to you. Feel, if you can, a great circulation of energy which is passing freely to you and from you. Wonderful!

Energy must circulate

This is what life is like – a great circulation of energy. If we circulate physical resources, we will gain physical wealth and enjoy physical abundance. If we circulate joyous resources, we will gain joy, joyous abundance. Whatever we circulate, we gain. This is a natural law.

Thanks for reading – there is much more in The Great Little Book of Happiness from which this is adapted.

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Letting go – the first stage in giving

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Letting go is amazing. It is part of the art of generosity, which is a very powerful and remarkable skill.

It is extraordinarily effective in changing our thought patterns, our emotions and the energies within our vital body, which affects our health and well-being. But it is an art. The skill in this art is acquired; some of it was almost certainly present when we were small children but for most of us a great deal of it has been knocked out of us or overshadowed by daily living. Western society has many strengths but one of its major drawbacks is the acquisitive style of life that it encourages. Life conditions us to want things for ourselves and so the natural innocence that gives rise to spontaneous giving is often absent. But that trend can be reversed and when we start to develop the generous spirit within us, a state of joyousness naturally arises.

Letting go is the first stage. The acquisitive style of life, which encourages us to accumulate and hang onto things, gives us an energy pattern of “holding on”. That holding on might be in relation to possessions or money or to circumstances or relationships. It can also be in relation to less tangible things such as our time, our love, our caring and so on. Holding on, or failing to give wholeheartedly, actually deprives us of energy and quality of life. It prevents us from contacting our own nature. Instead of bringing happiness, our attachment brings stagnation into our energy system. It also gives birth to the fear of loss.

Letting go of tension

letting goJust for a moment, imagine holding something in your hand that someone is trying to take it from you. Notice how the tension in your hand increases as you tighten your grip. Conversely, if you want to give away whatever it is you are holding, notice the relaxation that comes. And did you notice that the tension wasn’t just in the hand? It is impossible to grip the hand without causing tension up the whole arm. Mentally it is not much different. The sense of anxiety that can build up when we fear losing something causes a tension that runs right through us. It is no coincidence that the words “miserliness” and “miserable” come from the same Latin root meaning “wretched”.

Now, when we give something, we have the opportunity to release mental and emotional tension. If we give easily, our energy will feel lighter because our heart centre will be freer. We just let go of whatever it is we have and, if we do it with loving kindness, we give it a little helpful push on the way. We then have more energy; we feel better. It might seem odd but the more we give, the better off we are.

letting goBut we have to give well. By that, I mean if we give begrudgingly or with reservation, we hold something back. There will be some benefit but not as much. If we hold back when we give, it is like letting something go out of our hand but there is till some tension in our grip. Similarly, if we give something with expectation of recognition or of thanks, there is some tension in that giving. We are not giving wholeheartedly because we have added a condition to it – there is a subtle acquisitiveness to our giving and so it isn’t selfless.

 An art that is part of Zen

That is why generosity is an art. We have to re-educate ourselves into becoming totally generous human beings. We need to learn to give unconditionally. As we do so, our happiness increases as the “petals of the heart lotus” open, letting in the sunshine of our true nature. But it takes considerable training for most of us. If we are honest, we might be good at giving some things but certainly not at giving others.

Letting go fearlessly is part of Zen. Zen tells us that there is nothing to hold onto, that no loss is possible. The giver, the recipient and the act of giving are one. But we are not enlightened yet, so we take one step at a time. Learning to release our grip is the first step. Observing when we resist is the second.

Adapted excerpt from Chapter 3 of The Great Little Book of Happiness

Evening workshop on Monday 11th April 2016 in Staffordshire, UK – more details here

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Barriers to our natural joy

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Recognising barriers to our natural joy

When we cannot feel our natural joy, it is due to barriers caused by internal signals. If we have had a bad or fearful barriersexperience, for example, a memory of it is stored. When something triggers that memory, our horizon is overshadowed, as if by clouds. In energy terms, we close up. Our heart centre shrinks and becomes pinched. We become joyless. Maybe we feel hurt or a little numb. If we are strong, we might be able to masquerade a smile but inside we know we are not smiling. Our perception of the world changes and so do our responses.

What happens then? We often compound our difficulties by jumping to wrong conclusions and making false assumptions.  Sometimes, we may say things that are hurtful or inappropriate. Perhaps we don’t say something when we should – barriers hold us back. Generally, our reactions go against the flow of life rather than with it. In the body, there may well be a stress response so our sense of well-being drops; and if the reaction continues, our immune system takes a knock, too. Our experience of life takes on an unpleasant and joyless hue, which adds to the muddy residue in our memory bank.

Break down the barriers

It is possible, though, with persistence and with time, to overcome the triggers. As a first step, we need to be aware when they have arisen. That may sound obvious but actually most of us go from one moment to the next with fluctuations in temperament. One moment we can be happy then we’ll hear something, see something or just have some thoughts which cause our feelings to dip. But rarely do we intelligently look at why that dip took place. We might see it in others more than in ourselves – a shadow passing across the face, for instance. If we can look at our own dip in mood with the light of the mind, so to speak, it can be quite revealing.

The dip comes because our perceptions are wrong.

We suffer from countless emotions but they can all be said to have their roots in one of three main categories:

  1. attachment and desire (which arise from I want, I like etc.),
  2. aversion, hatred and dislike (from which anger and jealousy arise, for example) and, most important of all,
  3. ignorance as to our own nature (which deludes us into thinking we are separate from everything else in the universe).

The easy way

The easy and intelligent way of looking at an emotional response it is not to analyse its historical causes, some childhood incident perhaps, but merely to identify the emotion that is present. If we are hurt by a remark or by the way we have been treated, for example, we can say or think to ourselves, “A feeling of being hurt is present.” Keep saying it to yourself and eventually the feeling will subside. The important thing is not to apportion blame or cause – that’s the ego’s trick. Simply identify the feeling.

With practice, we might find a realisation dawning: that the feeling of hurt actually arises from attachment or pride, or perhaps both. Again, we don’t try to judge that; instead, we merely say to ourselves, “A feeling of pride is present,” or whatever it happens to be. The vital thing, though, is not to judge; we want to become the observer of the feelings so that they become weaker and lose their power over us, and not get wound into them.

Gradually, these barriers will weaken and eventually dissolve. Then we can find our true purpose in life: to vibrate happiness.

Adapted from Chapter 3 of The Great Little Book of Happiness

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